


Reason

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey, the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-14
Updated: 2007-11-14
Packaged: 2017-11-13 23:06:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/508696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes letting go is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do; and sometimes even more than that is required of your heart before everything can be set straight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reason

**Author's Note:**

> 50stories 029: Love and prompt 020: Beloved for Y!Weekly. Written while listening to Bath Room by the GazettE on repeat; thanks guys.

My fingers softly trace over the silken skin of my beloved's arm. My eyes squeeze shut as I desperately try to hold back every emotion attempting to flood my body, my mind, and my actions. For an instant, it's like it always has been, like it always was... like it'll never be again. The smooth flesh glides gently beneath my hand, for the last time. I take his hand in mine, ever so briefly, my thumb tracing over the tattoo there. Just one more mystery, one more thing I'll never know the story behind. I reach my free hand up and gently push several blonde locks back from his forehead, revealing his closed eyes. I survey him one last time, not really wanting to implant this memory forever, but not really having a choice. His pale skin is pulled tight, etched in eternal pain. My only solace is in the fact that I can at least ease that for him, once and for all. No more pain, no more of this aching feeling ripping through me every time I look down upon his motionless form; but at the same time, no more Die, no more love of my life, and a whole new pain left to settle where the old will vacate.

I pull my shaking hand away, trying to hold back the tears in my eyes. I let his fingers slip from mine one last time, my hand going to my mouth to stifle the sob clawing at my throat.

Three weeks - it's been three weeks since the accident. They've called him anything from lucky to a poor bastard. Lucky for not dying instantly in what should have been a fatal incident. Poor bastard for living for so long like this; if you even call this living. I just keep calling to him, every name I've ever called him; hoping, praying that something would jar him into wakefulness, that something would pull him back from whatever plane of existence he's gone to. For two years now, he's been the light in my life, the one urging me forward and higher with my every breath. For a little over a year, I've known that I'm in love with him; hopelessly, helplessly in love with the beautiful man before me. Maybe the part that makes me the most upset over all of this is that he doesn't even know how I really feel. We're friends... nothing more than that.

I turn away, unable to look at him as I try to steady myself for my decision. Part of me still isn't sure why his parents thrust his care into my hands, but they did. They were here for two days and then left, leaving his entire life in my hands, to do with as I pleased. I despise them for it. I think they knew that he wouldn't wake up, that their son was already gone when they walked into the room. Or maybe life is just trying to torture me in more expressive ways each day.

I close my eyes again as I turn toward the tiny window that overlooks the tar rooftop of the lower building beside this one. Even the view isn't fitting for Die's last moments in this life. But then maybe he really has been gone already for these last three weeks. At least then, his last view was one more befitting the rhythm guitarist for Dir en grey. They were in concert in Germany, for like... the fourth time or so. It was a pretty nasty day outside, but still the film crew was doing their job, broadcasting the entire performance live over the internet. I was at home watching; supporting Die the only way I could since we were in the middle of recording.

I open my eyes, my gaze unfocused and unseeing as I replay the entire thing in my mind. Third song in, everything had been going so smoothly. But in an instant everything went sour, turning to chaos and agony. The wind picked up, the rain that had been steadily drizzling all day suddenly becoming a downpour. One of Kaoru's guitar strings snapped, slashing his hand in several places. Thunder sounded out and then the power cut completely to the stage. The feed cut for around fifteen seconds before backup power kicked in and the connection started up again. For a few seconds, there was silence and then everyone but Kaoru started up again, Die covering both his and Kaoru's parts with seeming ease as Kao wrapped his hand and a roadie restrung his guitar. Lightning flashed across in front of the camera, startlingly close. The bolt branched off just before striking a tree off to the right of the screen and hit the main support pillar on Die's side of the stage. Power completely cut this time and the feed ended there, only returning hours later to static.

I remember how I paced for over an hour, nervous and scared; something in my gut telling me it was all wrong, that Die wasn't alright. I turned on my TV and found the news channel I knew had sent a reporter out to Germany to cover the event for later coverage rather than a live feed. Minutes later they ran a special bulletin on the incident. Evidently even their power had been cut by the lightning and all that showed behind the man was a relatively new picture of Dir en grey. Dread flooded my stomach as I watched, praying every feeling I had was wrong. Every hope was in vain though. The newscaster recited what I'd seen in his monotonous voice and I wanted to strangle him, to scream at him to get on with it. Finally the picture behind him changed, showing a picture of Die at the concert before this one. My entire universe shrank down to the screen in front of me, to the man whose voice I detested.

_"... rhythm guitarist of Dir en grey, was severely injured in the complete collapse of the stage. He was immediately admitted to the local hospital in Germany and has since been stabilized. He is scheduled to be airlifted back to Japan for further treatment. Nothing further is known about his condition or the extent of his injuries. All other band members sustained minor injuries. Some of the crowd were burned or otherwise injured by debris, but all have been released from the hospital. For further..."_

My attention had drifted after that, shock setting in. I'd spent the next four hours on the phone, desperately trying to track down where he would be admitted and when so that I could be there for him. It was hopeless though, countless other people were trying the same thing and I was just brushed off as an overzealous fan and nothing more. Hours after I'd given up, my cell phone had started ringing, an unfamiliar number showing up across the screen. I'd flipped it open, hopeful and scared at the same time.

_"Die?!"_

_"No, sorry.... Is this Reita?"_

_"Yes.... Who is this?"_

_"It's Kaoru. I know you and Die are close and he'd want you to be notified. He was in an accident over here in Germany-"_

_"I know, I was watching. Where's he being admitted to over here? I've tried to find out for hours, but no one will tell me."_

_"Tokyo Medical University Hospital."_

_"When will he get there?"_

_"Hang on... he should be there in an hour or so at the most. We're not going to be there for another three hours though."_

_"Can you let anyone know to actually let me in to be with him?"_

_"Once we get there, I can. I don't have the contacts or authority while in the plane though. Just wait on us to get there... or maybe pick us up from the airport?"_

_"Sure, I'll head over there now, to wait."_

Three hours and forty-one minutes later, I had the rest of Dir en grey in my borrowed van and we were all heading for the hospital. I felt like I'd lost my emotions somewhere along the way, simply going through actions with no feelings attached anymore. Maybe it was just as well, since I'd have probably killed us all in a car crash otherwise. Once we'd arrived, I guess Kaoru deemed me allowed to see Die and after I let them each have their time alone with him, I went in. It was so weird, being in a room with Die while he laid there like he was asleep. I just sat there, holding his hand, waiting on the anesthesia to wear off and him to wake up. I volunteered to stay the night, explaining to Kao and the others just how close of friends we were and how worried I truly was about him. They left me there, Kao taking the others in the van to a hotel close by.

All night I sat there, all morning, and into the next day - the others coming and going around me. Only then did the doctors and nurses start worrying, running extra tests. His parents came and didn't even really seem to notice that I stayed in the room while the doctors talked to them. Just bits and pieces registered to me, but that was more than enough - severe head trauma, swelling, potential remaining damage, and coma. I excused myself and cried in the bathroom for over an hour before I could call the others and let them know what I'd overheard. Within the hour they were all there, gathered in the room with his parents hovering near the head of his bed. It was awkward, as though they didn't really belong there and all the rest of us did. According to what Kao said, they hadn't so much as spoken to Die in years. Slowly everyone but me drifted away to their respective hotels.

The following afternoon, his parents came back into the room and when I tried to leave and give them some privacy, his father closed the door, trapping me inside with them. Slowly, they both explained to me how Die was so out of touch with them that they had no idea of his wants and desires at this point; that his life didn't really involve them anymore. His father handed me a folder full of documents and they told me that they'd signed the papers to give whoever signed the bottom of the sheets the right to be Die's legal representation, in the same way they would have been. I signed without hesitation, not liking that they were so willing to un-shoulder the "burden" they saw as their son. After that, they left and haven't been back since. I told Kao and the others about it, that they'd basically handed me Die's life in a manila folder. No one argued. No one threw a fit. Quiet acceptance - that seemed to be the going plan.

Ever since then, I've been by his side, only leaving to shower and eat when forced to by one of the others. The doctors have been talking to me more and more lately about Die's condition and how severely unlikely it is that he'll ever wake up. They tell me how he's just being attached to this world by a few cords and a respirator.

I can't stand to see him like this anymore. The pain that etches his features all the time tears at me, ripping me to shreds. I don't want to keep him here in pain forever when I can release him to be free and move on to his next existence. In reality, binding him here isn't doing any of us any good. So I've made my choice and I'm going to stand by it.

A quiet knock on the door interrupts my musings and I turn to find the nurse and doctor in the doorway. I gesture for them to come in and they make their way to Die's bed. I move to his side and slip my fingers into his before I nod my head to them, having already told them of my wishes.

They cut the respirator first, the steady rhythm hissing to a stop as they pull the tubing from his throat and lay it aside. I feel his hand tighten around mine and I stare down at it, knowing it's just his body fighting for oxygen it cannot get on its own. Tears overflow and begin their journey down my cheeks, splashing my shirt in tiny splotches of darkened color. I squeeze back, unable to help it as I watch them remove the IVs in his arm, feeding him, giving him pain killers, just generally keeping him alive. The heart monitor is going nuts now and he's twitching slightly. I let out a sob and bring his hand up to my face, cradling it there as I cry into it. I'm losing him, right in front of me. Part of me wants to scream at them to put him back on the respirator, but the other part knows it'd just be pointless pain.

Suddenly, he all but sits up in the bed, sucking in a breath of air loudly. Alarms start going off on the heart monitor and the nurse rushes from the room as the doctor pushes him back onto the bed. I'm pushed out of the way as more doctors and nurses flood the room and I'm left helpless in the corner, completely not understanding what's going on. Why was he breathing on his own? They said he couldn't. Why did he sit up like that? Was it just a reflex?

I slide down the wall, my own breath coming in short bursting pants. I'm panicking, I know I am. I've done it before, years ago. But I can't remember what to do. I'm shaking all over before I feel someone's hands on my back and someone's voice registers in my ears. It's Kaoru... it's always Kaoru, at least lately.

He holds me until I've calmed down, crouching in the floor in front of me. It takes a while before I realize he's not crying, but he's visibly upset as well. A nurse leaves the grouping around Die's bed and tells us we have to leave the room and wait outside. Kao helps me from the floor and we end up in the little plastic chairs down the hall from Die's room, still clinging to one another.

"What happened, Rei?"

"I... I signed it, Kao... it's all my fault."

"What's your fault?"

"The papers, I signed the papers to let him die!" My voice is rising and I'm starting to get hysterical.

His hands find my shoulders and he leans in until our foreheads are touching. "Rei, focus on me. Calm down.... Are you saying you signed the permission to take him off the respirators and stuff?"

I nod, tears flooding down my cheeks.

He lets out a soft sigh and pulls back to shake his head, before pulling me into his arms once more. "I can understand why. The doctors keep saying it's hopeless, that he's basically dead right now."

I nod again, unable to find the words to express anything meaningful.

We're both quiet for a while, until finally he speaks up once more. "I'd have done the same by now."

I let out a half sob and I just can't keep it inside anymore. I turn my head and whisper quietly, brokenly, in his ear. "I... I love him so much, Kao. I just couldn't stand him being in pain anymore. It hurt so much."

He nods. "We all love him."

I shake my head as my body starts to tremble in his arms. "N-no... I _love_ him."

He's silent for a moment. When he does speak again, it's soft and full of warmth I didn't expect. "Did he know?"

I shake my head almost violently as I begin to sob into his shoulder again. "N-no."

His hand gently rubs circles on my back as he holds me tight.

It feels like forever before people begin trickling out of his room. Kaoru nudges me to sit up and his fingers wrap around mine, giving me the strength I so desperately need. Finally the original doctor and nurse leave the room and the doctor approaches us. We both automatically stand and go to meet him halfway. I don't even wait on him to speak, spitting out what I have to know.

"I-is he..." I can't even bring myself to say it. Kao squeezes my hand gently and the doctor takes off his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose.

"Surprisingly... no, he's not dead. We don't know why, yet. But he's alive... and awake."

I gasp and Kao's grip on me tightens to keep me in place.

"Are we allowed to see him?"

The doctor nods at Kaoru's question and gestures for us to follow him back into the room.

We all enter and Die's sitting up, propped up on quite a few pillows with the back of the bed raised. His eyes are closed, but his cheeks are flushed, something that hasn't happened since he was admitted to the hospital. The doctor steps to the side and nods toward the bed. Both of us quietly make our way to the bedside and just stand there. Finally, I can't take it anymore and I reach out, my fingers gently brushing over his.

He twitches slightly and his blinks a few times before focusing on first Kaoru, then me. A slow smile spreads across his face. His voice is hoarse when he speaks, from weeks of non-use and the tubing that's been stuffed down his throat all this time. "Kao..." His gaze flits back to me, "and Reita." He clears his throat a few times and I hand him the water cup I'd been using to keep his lips wet all this time. He takes a sip and hands it back, clearing his throat once more. "They say I've been out for weeks and they unhooked me to die and I woke up."

Kao lets go of my hand and leans over, lightly hugging the other guitarist. "We thought we'd lost you, buddy." He moves back and I tentatively take his place, just standing there, staring down at the love of my life. I'm trying to fight my tears, but it seems like a losing battle. I can't think of what to say. Everything sounds so cliché or flat in comparison to how I feel. There's only one phrase that could even begin to cover how I feel and I have no right to say it. Do I even have the right to hug him like Kao did? Gentle pressure on my back urges me forward slightly, toward Die, who's staring up at me with a somewhat confused expression on his face. I finally give in and lean down, pulling him into a light hug. The tears let loose, falling down and wetting the thin material of his hospital gown. I draw in a shaky breath and let out a soft sob, before the walls break down completely. "Die... I... I-" I can't do it. He doesn't need this stress on top of everything else he's been through, everything he'll go through. I shake my head and just hold him tighter.

Kao's hand is on the small of my back again, the pressure gentle and comforting. He leans in, gently brushing my hair back from my ear. His breath ghosts across my skin for a moment before he speaks only loud enough for me to hear him completely. "Tell him... he'll understand why it needs to be said now." And then his hand is gone, he's gone, standing at the window, looking out over the mundane scene below.

I'm shaking slightly in Die's arms, but his grip on me is firm, keeping me there, seeming to sense that I need his contact. His rough voice meets my ears, gentle and soft. "You what?"

I swallow hard and steel myself against the inevitable rejection I know is coming. "I..." my voice drops so low that even I can barely hear it anymore, "I love you so much." I tense in his arms, waiting to be shoved away or at least for him to let go. But it doesn't come. Instead I get pulled even closer, until I actually have to sit on the edge of the bed in order to not fall on him. I'm still so tense, so afraid.

A few moments pass before he speaks. "I've suspected as much for a while now... just kept wondering how long it'd take before you'd tell me." He gently moves me back, making sure to keep his hands on my shoulders so I don't go away. His eyes search mine; seeming to dig for the information he seeks. "You weren't ever going to tell me, were you?"

I shake my head, my cheeks burning in shame. "I didn't want you to hate me for how I feel."

He looks shocked for a moment before gathering me into his arms once more. "Oh, Rei... I could never hate you. You're so close to me and mean so much. There's just never been the right time for either of us, I guess..."

Kao speaks up from the corner, "Until now."

I can feel Die nod against my shoulder and then in one movement his lips are on mine. It's gentle, sweet, loving... everything I ever hoped it would be. I'm trembling again, but this time it's not from the fear of rejection.

He smiles against my lips before pulling away. "Everything has a reason. Our world got turned upside down for a reason." His eyes meet mine and my heart melts. "You are my reason."


End file.
